Hannidate: When You Just Won't Quit

I remember in 7th grade when Meatloaf belted out the lyric "I would do Anything for Love, but I won't do that." For years I have wondered what it is that Meatloaf would not do, and I have finally found the answer, Hannidate. That's right, Sean Hannity, conservative talk-show host and all around fool, has now set up a section at his website so his fans can find love.

Upon viewing this site I had to wonder what kind of marketing approach one would use. I can imagine a commercial that is playing Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places, while Sean Hannity comes on the screen. Dressed like cupid, Hannity speaks.

"Hi, I'm Sean Hannity, but you can call me Doctor Love. For years now I've been trying to tell people how to think. I endorse politicians, and I oppose anyone who disagrees with me. In fact, I don't even like to listen to an opinion that differs from mine. Now that Bush is in office for another four years, I decided that I should be telling people who to date too. Are you tired of the bar scene? Have you maxed out your credit card trying to find a mail order bride? If so, you're in luck. Hannidate is a free service helped to design people like you find love. Sure, most people wouldn't go near you with a ten foot pole, but at Hannidate we believe that everyone has a soul mate. Or in the case of us Republicans, a soul-less mate. At Hannidate, we know you've tried meeting people at bars, parties, and family reunions, that's why we've assembled one of the largest data bases of people who are just about ready to give up. So, pull your head out of your Republican behind, visit my website, and remember that our dating service was founded under one principal. That looks really don't matter."

Then, the Seanster can fly off like cupid, as a couple who met on the website engage in a sloppy disgusting kiss, while "I Will Always Love You" plays in the background.

I know looks shouldn't matter in a relationship, and sure, I may not be the best looking guy in the world either, but most of the people at Hannidate make the kid from Mask look like a prom king. Also, I don't see many young women over there, certainly you can't expect young Republican Men to procreate with the cast of The Golden Girls. Maybe Hannidate isn't a site where people can find love, maybe its just pictures of the cast from Cocoon.

Today's trivia question, what do Hannidate, The Jetsons, and The Flintstones all have in common? Answer: No Minorities. Of course, you should have known that because Hannidate is certainly going to be reflective of the people that listen to Sean Hannity: White morons.

Of course, if Hannidate is successful we will get to see other incarnations of this idea. Maybe Rush Limbaugh starts a website where his listeners can meet the pill popping people of their dreams. He could call it HydrocoDate. Imagine the commercials he could produce using the Ramones song "I Wanna be Sedated".

I do believe that there is someone for everyone, and I hope the people at Hannidate find what they've been looking for. Nothing makes me happier than the prospect of a few less Republicans on the dating scene.

Ryan Oddey
Ryan@TAFMess.com